Hurting today.

"glass;"

i dreamt for so long
of this temple being sacred
a holy place
for tender hands to traverse,
years spent saving the moment
for someone magical
all to be ruined
by who i thought you could be,
now i dream once more
of this place you'll never worship again
sculpting it anew 
awaiting a gentle soul
to hold me like i'm glass.

Maxine is hurting today.

The pain of all endured at the hands of someone I once trusted with so much still occasionally eats at me. I have no wish to reconcile anything, it’s just raw trauma that takes time to pass. It’s purely residual; most days go by without a single thought of it, and some days, like today, have me feeling used and dirty.

It’s a somber reminder to be kind to myself amidst strings of days and weeks where I pile up sleep deprivation, overexert at the gym, or generally neglect myself in some form or fashion.

I’ll take Maxine out for some ice cream today. I’ll pick up a new candle from Bath & Body Works for later. I’ll go to the gym and slam iron for as long as I want. I’ll get my car washed; it’s a bit overdue for the Maxinemobile. I’ll give my sheets and blankets an extra wash. I’ll light the candle for a dim shower to let the grime of the past wash away and flow down the drain into oblivion. I’ll stay there till I feel pretty again. I’ll do Maxine’s skincare routine so she feels smooth and flawless. I’ll lie down early to dream of walking among roses and sunflowers.

And when I wake up, I’ll be okay.